I love German. Not only is the least romantic language of them all (“I love you” in German sounds more like “I will hit you with shovel”) but it sounds great in a deep voice (think Rammstein) and almost everything sounds vaguely sexual (think Rammstein), particularly if you say it with a slight smile. It is the only language to capitalise every noun, which not only wears out Shift keys faster but is deliciously ironic given German people’s reputation for efficiency. Not only that, but every noun is given a gender with often bizarre results- a small girl is neuter rather than female, and the ocean can be either male, female or neuter depending on what term you use to describe it (Ozean, Meer, or See). Mark Twain even wrote of his experience with the German language “surely there is not another language that is so slipshod and systemless, and so slippery and elusive to the grasp. One is washed about in it, hither and thither, in the most helpless way; and when at last he thinks he has captured a rule which offers firm ground he turns over the page and reads, ‘Let the pupil make careful note of the following exceptions.’ He runs his eye down and finds that there are more exceptions to the rule than instances of it.” So without further ado, I present to you meine Damen und Herren, my top 17 favourite German words and phrases.